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Letting Go Of My Mother’s Fur Coat

A Lesson in Self-Compassion

There’s a fur coat in my closet. It’s warm, luxurious, and perfectly suited for those days when the temperature dips below 30 degrees Fahrenheit. Not just that—it holds memories, etched into its seams. Memories of my father handing it to my mom with a proud smile, and of me, standing there, helping Mom pick it out. More than that, I wore it on the coldest days, living alone in the City, walking to and from my job in Midtown Manhattan.

But now, I find myself at a crossroads. The coat represents so much—comfort, love, and nostalgia. Yet, as life moves forward, I’m beginning to ask myself whether holding on to this piece of my past still serves me in this next season of life.

If you’ve found yourself wondering how to move forward with a sentimental item like this coat, you’re not alone. Here’s what I’ve learned as I’ve wrestled with the question of letting go—and some steps that may help guide you, too.

On the coldest days in the City, this coat kept me warm.

Reflecting on the Emotional Weight of the Coat

When I see that coat, I see memories. I hear my mother laughing as she wore it on special outings. I picture my younger self marveling at how radiant she looked while wrapped in it. And for a while, I told myself, “I can’t get rid of this. It’s hers. It’s a piece of us.”

But the truth is, the coat is not my mom. It is not my father’s love or our family history. It is a symbol of those things. What’s hard about letting go is not the coat itself—it’s the fear of losing hold of those intangible, cherished emotions.

Ask yourself this: What does this item represent? Is it the object I love, or the story it tells? Answering that honestly can help you take the first step forward.

Considering Its Practical Value

I’ll admit—this coat has been my winter armor for years. On those unbearable, freezing days, it’s the warmest item in my wardrobe. Perhaps you feel the same “practical” attachment to something you’re considering letting go of.

If practicality is part of your hesitation, think about alternatives.

  • Could you donate the coat and replace it with an ethical winter option that is just as warm?
  • Is there a way to repurpose or preserve it in your life that also aligns with your values and lifestyle?

For example, you could convert it into a meaningful keepsake—a throw blanket, cushion, or even a small piece framed for your home.

It’s not about abandoning usefulness—it’s about finding a new way to fulfill that need while acknowledging the emotional importance behind it.

Aligning with Your Values

As an ethical fashion enthusiast, you may also grapple with the origins of an item like this coat. Fur, while historically valued for warmth, is often at odds with modern values of sustainability and compassion.

This perspective can serve as a guiding principle. You can both honor the role the coat played in your past while making a conscious choice that aligns with who you are today. Donating it to a charity or organization that repurposes fur responsibly can be a way of bridging that gap.

For some, simply knowing that their memory-filled item will continue to serve someone else is the closure they need to say goodbye.

Step-by-Step Guidance for Letting Go

If holding on feels like staying in the past, and letting go feels daunting, here’s a roadmap to help you move through this process thoughtfully and intentionally:

1. Capture the Memory

Before parting with the coat, take a moment to preserve its significance.

  • Snap photos with it as a way to document how it connects to your life.
  • Write its story—your father’s gift, your mother’s joy, the warmth it gave you on cold days. These moments live beyond the physical item.

2. Repurpose or Rehome It

Consider ways to keep the item’s essence alive if you’re not ready to fully part with it. Could you upcycle it into something smaller and functional? If not, research local charities, vintage shops, or organizations that would appreciate its value.

3. Share the Story

If the coat carries unique beauty, consider passing it on to someone who will use and cherish it. A friend, relative, or even a stranger could inherit not just the coat, but the specialness tied to it.

4. Replace with Intention

If losing this coat creates a need (a warm replacement, for example), choose its successor mindfully. Invest in something you love, that aligns with your values, and that will carry forward as a part of your story.

5. Give Yourself Grace

This process isn’t easy. You may feel a mix of emotions—sadness, nostalgia, and relief. Acknowledge that it’s okay to feel conflicted. Holding on to love and letting go of the physical item are not mutually exclusive.

Moving Forward with a Clear Heart

What I’ve come to realize is that letting go isn’t a loss—it’s an opportunity. An opportunity to honor the past while making space for the future. My mother isn’t in the coat. My memories aren’t stitched into its fabric. They live in my heart, in my stories, and in the woman I continue to become.

If you find yourself at the same crossroads, take it one step at a time. Reflect on what the item means. Consider alternatives. And when you feel ready to move forward, do so with clarity and compassion for yourself.

Every stage of life invites us to carry certain things forward and release others. What’s waiting for you on the other side of letting go?

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What I Learned About Surgical Decision-Making Eating Blue-Clawed Crabs With My Dad

Whether you are a physician or other clinician on a healthcare team, these four criteria can help you and your patient make the best choice.

It’s August 3rd, 2024.  Today would have been my father’s 95th birthday.  And all I can think of is eating crabs!  I remember my Dad bringing them home from the docks of Sheepshead Bay in the summertime, on his way back from rounds at the hospital in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn to our house on Long Island.  I often wondered how they survived the ride in the trunk of his Oldsmobile Toronado along the Belt Parkway and Sunrise Highway to our house in Wantagh.  But there they were, being poured out of the heavy paper sack into our kitchen sink.  I would stare in awe at them as they crawled over each other, finding their sudden, though temporary freedom.

My father warned me not to give them names, because that would make it harder to eat them later.  My first lesson that we become attached to the things we name.  He also warned to be careful of their claws, strong and open, not banded like the occasional live lobsters we’d have as a summer treat when we could afford them.

…if we understood anatomy and how to take things apart, we could find the sweet and tender parts that would feed us.

He taught us not to be afraid of them, even after they were cooked and their shells had turned red and angry in my mother’s boiling cauldrons (He always made her the bad guy.)  That if we understood anatomy and how to take things apart, we could find the sweet and tender parts that would feed us.

He never forced us to eat them.  (There were always hot dogs and hamburgers to complete these summer weekend feasts.)  My younger sister, at times insisting on assigning names to some, would never be subject to eating crabs if she didn’t want to, but watched the anatomy lessons and ultimately became a skilled shellfish gourmand.  We always understood that we had a choice.

At every decision point, I came to learn (from both my parents, really) that there were choices to be made, uncertainty to be appreciated and risks to be mitigated.  Male or female, still living or perished, how big a pot, how much water, how many bay leaves and other spices, how to transfer to the pot safely, are they ready yet, are we ready yet, do we have the right tools – mallets, nutcrackers, tiny forks, how to clarify the butter, when to put on the rice?  All of these judgements made with some degree of imprecision, no absolute right answer (but don’t tell that to my Mom).

And so, I learned, in this delicious way, the fundamental criteria for sound surgical decision-making, how to share the relevant information for informed consent, and how to assess (with some degree of imprecision) a patient’s capacity to enter a shared decision-making process when faced with a medical decision.  These are

  1. Expression and communication of a choice, or decision that needs to be made.
  2. Understanding of the relevant information needed to make the decision.
  3. Appreciation of the consequences particular to each patient and situation.
  4. Reasoning behind the choices and ultimate decision.

I am so grateful to my parents for teaching me and my siblings these important lessons so early in our lives, and for the opportunity to share them with you, today.   Whether you’re a surgeon or other clinician on a health care team or a patient or health care agent struggling with an important health care decision, these criteria can help make sure all the elements are there to come to a solid decision. 

What is your comfort level with medical decision-making? Can you identify those close to you who seem to excel in these four competencies? They might be the best folks to have with you at your next doctor’s visit, or may be just the right person to appoint as your health care agent on your healthcare proxy form or other advanced directive.

Let me know in the Comments, below, how you’ve used this information. I’d love to hear how it helps. Also, if anyone knows where I can get some live, Maryland Blue Claws…

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What Are We Doing With Our Mental Health?

It’s no secret that the COVID-19 pandemic has taken a toll on our mental health. American women, in particular, have shouldered a tremendous burden over the past two, almost 3, years. From working from home while caring for children and/or aging parents to dealing with job insecurity and managing anxiety and depression, we’ve been through a lot.

Thankfully, there are many resources available to help us cope with these challenges. Here are five of the most popular ones:

1. Therapy: Seeing a therapist or counselor can be extremely helpful in managing anxiety, stress, and other mental health issues. If you’re not sure where to start, consider searching for a therapist on Psychology Today’s Therapist Finder.

2. Meditation: Meditation can help you focus and calm your mind. There are many great meditation apps available, such as Headspace and Calm. I’ve been using the Insight Timer app since 2016. It contains a variety of guided meditations and music/ sound tracks, and of course a “timer,” complete with chimes, bells, and blocks, for your own use whether meditating in solitude or leading your own group.

3. Exercise: Exercise is a great way to reduce stress and improve your mood. Even something as simple as a daily walk can make a difference. This past summer, I did a talk with the AARP and our local Long Island Health Collaborative, highlighting the (physical and mental) health benefits of walking (your dog!)

4. Support groups: Connecting with others who are going through similar experiences can be very helpful. There are many online support groups available for women dealing with anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.

5. Self-care: Taking care of yourself is essential for managing stress and maintaining your mental health. Make sure to schedule time for activities that make you happy, such as reading, spending time outdoors, or taking a yoga class.

It’s no surprise that Mental Health has become a topic of public debate. The New York Times is publishing a series of articles, It’s Not Just You: A Times Opinion project on mental health and society in America today, for which my sister-in-law, Dr. Maria Yang, a public health psychiatrist in Seattle, is providing some thoughtful and interesting feedback in her article, “Is Mental Health Political?” here.

What I’m really interested in is how YOU’RE doing, and what you are doing to help lift your spirit and heart these days. Whether it’s Wordle or knitting, meditation or yoga, cooking classes or tennis lessons, please know that you’re not alone. We’re all struggling to adjust to a new normal that doesn’t feel new or normal. And I, for one, can’t wait to see you again, in person. It’s been way too long.

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When You’re Listening for The Voice You Trust, Listen for Your Own: How to Write Your Own Daily Affirmations

Now that Labor Day Weekend has passed, and we’re into the throes of “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” back-to-school season, it’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life and forget to listen to your own inner voice.

We are constantly bombarded with messages from the outside world telling us who we should be, what we should look like, how we should raise our kids, and overall how we should live our lives. It can be difficult to silence the noise and listen to our own intuition, but it is so important to do so. One way to help tune out the noise and listen to your own inner voice is by writing your own daily affirmations.

Listen to your own voice of encouragement by writing daily affirmations.

Daily affirmations are positive statements that you say to yourself either out loud or in your head. affirming something to yourself on a daily basis can help increase your self-awareness and confidence, improve your mood, and reduce stress and anxiety. Writing your own daily affirmations can be a great way to start your day off on the right foot or take a break from negative self-talk.

Not sure where to start? Here are 5 tips for writing your own daily affirmations:

1. Keep it Simple: Start with one or two affirmations that you can easily remember and say to yourself every day. As you become more comfortable with the process, you can add more affirmations as needed.

2. Make it Personal: Make sure that your affirmations resonates with you on a personal level. Avoid using generic statements that could apply to anyone—affirmations are most effective when they are specific to you and your situation.

3. Be Positive: Use affirmative statements rather than negative ones. For example, instead of saying “I will not fail,” try “I am capable of succeeding.”

4. Be Present Tense: Write your affirmations as if they have already happened or are happening right now in the present moment. For example, “I am healthy and happy” rather than “I will be healthy and happy.”

5. Believe it: In order for daily affirmations to be effective, you need to believe them! If you find it difficult to believe what you’re saying at first, try starting with small goals that you know you can achieve—this will help build your confidence until you’re able to tackle bigger goals.

Writing your own daily affirmations is a great way to tune out the noise and listen to your own inner voice. Keep it simple, make it personal, be positive, be present tense, and believe it! By following these tips, you’ll be well on your way towards increasing your self-awareness, confidence, mood, and reducing stress and anxiety.

What daily affirmation will you start with?

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WHY IT TAKES AT LEAST TWO HOURS TO OPEN A BUSINESS CHECKING ACCOUNT


The Most Important Thing to Bring to Every In-Person Encounter During COVID

“It’s my first one,” the banker shifted nervously at her desk, as her supervisor ran to the back office to retrieve the branch manager.

“It’s ok, it’s my second,” I reassured her, patiently. “I had to open a corporate account when I started my solo-private practice in Colon and Rectal Surgery, years ago, so I know these things take time.”

I went on to chit-chat about my first time taking out an appendix as a resident, my first time doing a hemorrhoidectomy, and my first time repairing a rectal prolapse by mucosal stripping and plication — how the surgeon I worked for stood over my shoulder watching my meticulous technique, probably thinking he would grow old and die there it was taking so long!

I celebrated, “See, life is a series of first times!” She laughed, and in my mind, I started to check off the four elements of a successful physician-patient relationship:

Establishing Trust
Demonstrating Compassion
Assuring Stability
Inspiring Hope

TRUST is a funny thing, isn’t it? If we think about it as currency, how many “Trust-coins” did I need to invest to even walk into a brick and mortar bank to start my new business account during a global pandemic? I had to trust the institution, which appeared to come up consistently in my “best bank for business checking” internet searches. Would they have policies in place to keep everyone safe as numbers seem to be rising for a variant strain of coronavirus? I had to trust the process, that if I came prepared with all the proper documentation of my identity and the proof of this new enterprise I had created, that there is a process to create a safe space for all the money that my new firm would soon generate. Most of all, I needed to trust the people…would they be competent, honest, and reliable? And would they trust me?

So many opportunities to demonstrate COMPASSION during this visit – in both directions, no doubt! When the branch manager arrived, I started to make a Doogie Howser reference, but caught myself realizing that show aired when he was an infant-toddler. Despite our age difference, he did a skillful job engaging me, asking all the right questions about my new business and the entrepreneurial risks of reinventing my career, while supporting our banker-in-training as she hunted and pecked to fill in the fields of my application. At one point, he opened up to us that he was just back from paternity leave (for his third child!), and that some of the parts of the process were new to him, so he’d be calling out to the regional manager and the teller supervisor just to make sure we were doing things right. His vulnerability, and his ability to have both me and his mentee feel comfortable with uncertainty, was masterful, and much appreciated.

STABILITY – so many forms to sign! And yes, I’d love to take a copy, thanks! When it came time to establish a line of credit, the bank manager helped steer me to the right product for me without ever asking me for my credit score. At least twice, all three of us went over each of the forms for accuracy and understanding. My banker wrote her full name on the branch manager’s card, since she didn’t have her own cards yet, and said she would be there for me in the months and years to come, so please call if I had any questions. I trusted this sign of stability, as I had learned that this “new” banker had actually been with the company (previously as a teller) for thirty-two years.

Having suspended our ability to close out the encounter with a handshake or a hug, we said our goodbyes through masks and plexiglass. We imagined that someday I might visit the bank and we wouldn’t be wearing masks. My bank-friends wished me every success with my new venture, and thanked me for my patience. I left the bank with an unbounded sense of HOPE and joy, that there are institutions in this country that continue to keep their employees and patrons safe, employed, learning, and up-to-date, that there are processes in place so we can do that for each other, and that Trust, Compassion, Stability, and Hope remain hallmarks of successful person-to-person interactions.

All it takes is a little patience.